I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter!!!
by Nova-chan
Summary: Gourry decides that he wants to replace the guy on the butter commercial. But, how will Lina and the others cope with him leaving and becoming a huge celebrity? Final Chapter up!
1. Default Chapter

I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Cutie Corner  
  
NoV: Well, here we are, in our forevermore little place-like thing. Cutie Corner. Phibby's room.  
  
Phibby: Isn't it WONDERFUL??  
  
Xelloss: Phibby!  
  
Phibby: Xelly!  
  
Xelloss: Phibby-dibby-doo!  
  
Phibby: Xelly-welly-poo!  
  
Xelloss: Phibbity-bibbity-boo!  
  
Zelgadis: Please stop. NOW.  
  
Phibby: Silly Zelgadis! (snaps fingers)  
  
Zelgadis: (poof)  
  
Phibby: Bye, bye!  
  
  
  
**  
  
Somewhere far away..  
  
Zelgadis: (jumping up and down on a desert island) Just wait'll I get back there! I'll beat the stuffing out of that child-wannabe!  
  
  
  
**  
  
Phibby: (covered in stuffed animals) I like plush.  
  
NoV: Thankies for letting us use your really cool room, Phibby!!  
  
Gourry: (sniffle) I don't like it.  
  
NoV: Why not?  
  
Gourry: There's no giant kitchen like we had in Kawaii Konversations.  
  
Phibby: Oh, but there is! (snap)  
  
Gourry: (watches as a wall slides open) I love you, Phibby.  
  
Phibby: Yes, I know.  
  
Gourry: YAY! (runs into the kitchen)  
  
NoV: (sinks into a pile of plush) Ahhhhh...this is paradise.  
  
Xelloss: BTW, what is this particular ficcie about?  
  
NoV: (sits up slightly) Didn't you read the summary?  
  
Xelloss: Umm..no?  
  
NoV: (giggle) It's funny.  
  
Xelloss: Oh-kay...  
  
Bishounen: Why do I always end up in the closet?  
  
Phibby: Because we're all waiting for you to come out of the closet.  
  
Bishounen: Yes, I hafta do that in every fic.  
  
NoV: (giggle)  
  
Xelloss: You know, they're taking advantage of your stupidity.  
  
Bishounen: They are?  
  
Xelloss: ...yes. They are.  
  
Bishounen: Wow!  
  
Xelloss: It's..um...not a good thing.  
  
Bishounen: Oh. Boo.  
  
Xelloss: NEVERMIND!!  
  
NoV: Let's begin our first ficcie broadcast from Cutie Corner!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
Gourry liked things that were simple. Things like teepees and inch worms. Things that didn't require any brain power to think about. Things like butter.  
  
Butter was such a versatile substance that was essential to so many other substances.  
  
Often, he liked to eat it all by itself, right out of the box.  
  
On one such occasion, he had stuffed himself into a lazy-boy, with the TV on, and had a whole tub of butter in his lap.  
  
"There's nothing that can even COMPARE to the beautifulness of butter, TV, and this really big chair!" he exclaimed. "And, plus, my favorite show, Sailor Moon is on!"  
  
"We will return to Sailor Moon in about thirty minutes after our commercial break," the announcer said.  
  
Gourry started to lower the foot of his chair to get up. "I'll go get some popcorn while the commercials are on!" he said to himself.  
  
"Don't go away!" the announcer interrupted.  
  
"But, I-" Gourry began.  
  
"SIT!! If you go anywhere, your life will be destroyed and inflicted with pain, agony, and serious injuries!!!" the TV warned.  
  
"Oh-kay, oh-kay!!!" the blond shrieked, plopping himself down.  
  
"That's better."  
  
The first commercial came on. A beautiful floral garden was portrayed. I girl with a Romanesque-like dress on came running through the garden maze. She ran up a flight of steps, at the top of which was Fabio.  
  
She handed him a plate of margarine.  
  
He looked into her eyes, dreamily, and said, "I can't believe it's not butter."  
  
Back in the room, Gourry's eyes had grown big and round. "He's my HERO," he uttered, spaced-out.  
  
On the TV, a voice came over the scene of the brand of butter on the screen.  
  
"How would YOU like to be the next Fabio?" he asked.  
  
"I'd like it more than anything in the entire universe!!!" Gourry cried.  
  
"Would you like to be a celebrity, make commercials, and have tons of butter at your dispense?"  
  
"YES, YES, AND YES!!!!" the swordsman shouted, hopping out of his chair.  
  
"Well, just come down to Butter Studios, and audition, or call 1-800- BUTTER!"  
  
"I'll do it!!!" Gourry cried, jumping up and down in the room. He raced out of the room to tell Lina and the others about this. Suddenly, something occurred to him and he rushed back inside. "Where IS Butter Studios?" he wondered.  
  
"Butter Studios is right nextdoor to the inn that you're umm..in."  
  
"Thanks!" Gourry exclaimed, running back out.  
  
"You're welcome!" the TV called back to him.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Lina was enjoying her lunch very much. After all, she had easily gotten rid of her biggest competition by giving him a TV, a chair, and some butter. She was free to chomp and chew to her heart's content.  
  
Amelia, Zelgadis, and Xelloss watched her as she all but devoured the table. The plates and silverware never had a prayer.  
  
Just then, Gourry burst into the room, smiling very widely.  
  
Lina dove on top of the table, covering her food. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY OF MY FOOD, YOU PIG!!!!" she yelled.  
  
Gourry stared blankly at her for a few moments. He giggled and ruffled her hair. "No, you silly Lina! I don't want your food! ...ooh! Chicken!!!"  
  
"AAG!!" Lina shrieked, biting Gourry's hand as it reached for the chicken leg.  
  
"Ow!!" the blond cried out in pain. "Oh, sorry. Guess what, you guys!!"  
  
All four of them just blinked at him.  
  
Gourry was uninhibited by this. "I just figured out my DESTINY!!!"  
  
"To be a side show strong man?" Xelloss suggested.  
  
"Nope." He shook his head.  
  
"To be a champion of Justice, just like my hero, Sailor Moon??" Amelia squeaked, her eyes growing large.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You finally figured out that your hair needs to be cut?" Zelgadis wondered, sipping his coffee.  
  
"No! My hair is PART of my destiny! I'd never cut it!" Gourry protested, stroking his blond mane of hair.  
  
"Then what? What is your destiny, Gourry?" Lina demanded, sharply.  
  
"Gee, I feel like I'm on a game show," the swordsman said, with a goofy face. "It'd be like 'Name Your Destiny!' But..anyway.."  
  
"TELL US ALREADY!!!!!" Lina roared.  
  
"Oh, right." Gourry smiled. "I'm gonna be the next Fabio on the butter commercials!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Cutie Corner  
  
NoV: Intermissiony.  
  
Xelloss: SO, Goo-chan's gonna be that blond guy who talks with the Ah-nold accent?  
  
NoV: Yep. (giggle) Hey, did you know that while Fabio was riding a roller coaster he got hit in the head by a duck? (laughs hysterically)  
  
Xelloss: I did not know that.  
  
Gourry: That would be funny.  
  
NoV: I wish I could have SEEN it!!! (laughs more)  
  
Xelloss: Ahh!!! I can't believe it's not a goose!!!! Bonk.  
  
NoV: (laughs more) Stop making me laugh!!!  
  
Xelloss: It would be even funnier if there were an entire flock of ducks ramming him in the head.  
  
NoV: (laughs harder)  
  
Xelloss: And then some pigeons could all poop on him.  
  
NoV: (tears roll down her cheeks from laughing so hard)  
  
Xelloss: And when he finally got off the roller coaster, he says, 'I can't believe I paid fifty bucks for that!'  
  
NoV: Ohhh.. (stops laughing, finally) Now, you've done it. (glares at Xelloss) And you're gonna PAY. MUAHAHA!!! (tackles Xelloss and starts tickling him)  
  
Xelloss: (giggling hysterically) Please stop!! No more!! Bwahahaha!!  
  
NoV: (pauses momentarily) Want more? Tell me if you do!! (starts tickling again)  
  
Phibby: (walks in) Hey! The pizza's here!! You guys-want some? I guess not. More for me!!!  
  
NoV: (Doesn't look up from her victim) Join us for part two! 


	2. Butter!

I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter!!! Part 2  
  
**  
  
  
  
Cutie Corner  
  
  
  
NoV: (still tickling Xelloss) Welcome to part 2!  
  
Xelloss: (periodically laughing) Hello. (looks defeated) Will you stop now?  
  
NoV: Oh-kay. I'm starting to get tired, anyway. (gets up, and extends a hand to help Xelloss up)  
  
Xelloss: No need! (teleports into an upright position) Ow.. (lifts up his shirt slightly) You bruised my ribs!!! I didn't think it was possible, but you did!  
  
NoV: Oh, don't be such a baby.  
  
Xelloss: I'm gonna sue you! Phibby, be my lawyer.  
  
Phibby: Kay!  
  
NoV: Oh-kay, anyway, I was thinking of doing an extremely dramatic fic as soon as I'm through with this one. We should have a voting session about it pretty soon, so stay tuned!  
  
Xelloss: I'm suing you in the intermission!!!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Everyone's mouth hung open as they stared at Gourry.  
  
"Brilliant, eh?" Gourry asked, smiling brightly.  
  
Lina started laughing, wildly. "You want to be the butter guy?" she asked. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life! You're crazy!"  
  
"But, I thought it was a good idea." Gourry pouted.  
  
"It is a good idea, Mr. Gourry," Amelia said, encouragingly. "As soon as you grow up, you can make all of your dreams and fantasies come true! Why, Justice is all you need, to-MMPH!!"  
  
Xelloss covered her mouth from behind her. "Please don't talk like that."  
  
"But, it's my plan, and I wanna do it!!!" Gourry whined, stomping his foot.  
  
"Please, Gourry," Lina said, dryly, recovering from her laughing spell, "they'd never hire you. You have to actually have some kind of intelligence to be in a commercial."  
  
"Actually, Lina-" Xelloss began to interrupt, but stopped when Lina glared at him.  
  
"But I am intellimelent!!!!" Gourry protested.  
  
"You're not doing it and that's final!!" Lina roared, domineeringly.  
  
"But I wanna do it and you can't stop me!!!" the blond cried, running out of the building, covering his face with his hands, as if crying. He ran into a wall, not being able to navigate with his eyes closed. "Ow." He moved his hands, shook his finger at the wall, and redirected himself out the door.  
  
"Mr. Gourry, wait!!" Amelia shouted after him. She slumped in her position. "We should have stopped him." She turned viciously to Lina. "And you should have been more supportive of him, Miss Lina! You crushed his dream, and broke his poor, lil Goo-heart, and now he's run away, and we might never ever see him again!!!  
  
"Scuse me!" Gourry called from the doorway, smiling, cheerily. "Do you know where Butter Studios is?"  
  
"It's right nextdoor to the inn," Xelloss told him. "Weren't you paying attention to the commercial?"  
  
"Oh yeah! Thanks!" With that, the swordsman ran out of the room again.  
  
"I say we go to that studio with Mr. Gourry and be supportive like good friends should!" Amelia decided, placing a fist high in the air.  
  
Zelgadis, having been silent for the entire conversation, spoke up. "I agree," he said, simply.  
  
"I wanna go eat butter!!!!" Xelloss suddenly shrieked. Everyone stared at him. He smiled sheepishly. "Actually, I just wanna rub it all over my body."  
  
Lina looked sickened. "Let's just go."  
  
  
  
**  
  
Gourry stood in line to try out for the commercial. There were a lot of men, but even more women, with long, blond hair standing there, hopefully waiting.  
  
The swordsman teetered back and forth on his heels, whistling to himself.  
  
Gradually, the line moved, inch by inch every hour or so.  
  
Gourry had begun to converse with some of the other people in line.  
  
"So, there I was, face-to-face with a giant bowl of gelatin, unarmed, and wounded," he exaggerated, making strange motions with his hands. "The gelatin rushed at me, so I grabbed the only thing close-by: a spoon. And, then I ate it! And it was good."  
  
The three other blonds stared at him, incredulously. "Wow," one commented.  
  
"Isn't it?" Gourry asked, eyes big.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
NoV: I can't believe you're actually suing me for bruising your ribs while tickling you.  
  
Xelloss: Technically, I'm suing your for child abuse.  
  
NoV: What? How are you going to manage that? What's your defense?  
  
Xelloss: You're a child and you abused me.  
  
NoV: -.-0 You're WEIRD!!!  
  
Xelloss: Thank-you. BTW, just who are you getting to defend you?  
  
NoV: Bishy-chan, of course!  
  
Xelloss: Isn't that a little..um..sad?  
  
NoV: Well PHIBBY sent Zelgadis to Hawaii, where he is probably miserable.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis: CONGA LINE!!! (Dances)  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Xelloss: Isn't Bishy still in the closet though?  
  
NoV: Bishounen! Come out of the closet!! (receives oblivious stares) What???  
  
Bishounen; (looks drowsy, stepping out of the closet) Goo-morning!  
  
Xelloss: You could get Goo-chan to be your lawyer!  
  
NoV: -.- No. Bishy's better. Plus Gourry's busy rehearsing for the next part of the ficcie.  
  
Gourry: Butter, I am the butter, I see the butter, butter, butter, butter.  
  
NoV: See?  
  
Xelloss: (sigh) Fine. But you're gonna lose the trial.  
  
NoV: See you during the after-ficcie Cutie Corner/Phibby's Prosecution!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
After hours of endless toil and waiting, Gourry's turn had come. He was directed to a little stage with a microphone and a girl, who was really a mannequin.  
  
He couldn't see because of all the bright lights in his face, but he heard the director.  
  
It was Milgasia. Standing beside the dragon were Lina, Xelloss, Zelgadis, and Amelia. Milgasia constantly inched away from Xelloss, having developed a phobia of him even since the 'Oh Dragonfly, Dragonfly' incident.  
  
"Lights," Milgasia said, emotionlessly. A barrage of even brighter lights shined on Gourry. "Camera." The camera switch was flicked on. "Say it," he told Gourry.  
  
"Say the butter thing?" Gourry questioned.  
  
"Yes. The butter thing."  
  
"Oh-kay!" The blond cleared his throat, ceremoniously. "I absolutely, positively, 100% and oh-so-certainly, to the square root of 543, just can't conceive in my tiny mind that it's-not butter." He took a bow.  
  
"Good," Milgasia said, again with no excitement. "You win."  
  
"I did??" Gourry squeaked. "Yay! My dream has come true!!!"  
  
"Not you," the dragon grumbled, shaking his head. "Suzie the dummy."  
  
Gourry looked at the mannequin. He sadly shook its hand. "Congratulations, Suzie," he said, morosely.  
  
"Just kidding," Milgasia told him, in his usual manner.  
  
Lina bonked him on the head. "You know that REALLY irritates me."  
  
"Keep dragonfly-boy away from me, and I tell no more jokes."  
  
"You've got yourself a deal."  
  
Gourry sniffled, leaving the arena. "I hope Suzie likes being the butter man."  
  
"Mr. Gourry!" Amelia cried. "You've won!!"  
  
"I have??" the swordsman asked, confused. "I thought Suzie the dummy won."  
  
"No, no, silly Mr. Gourry," the oujo said, laughing. "Mr. Milgasia was only joking!"  
  
Gourry gasped. "Really? Yay!!! I won! I WON!!!" He began to dance around on the stage, grabbing the mannequin for a partner. "I won, Suzie, I won!! I- Eee. Suzie, you smell like freeze-dried cow manure." He glanced around to see if anyone was looking and kicked her through a trap door. He walked away, humming.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
Amelia: All arise for his Mr. Honorable, the Judge of this courtroom!  
  
Rezo walks in  
  
Amelia: You may take your seats! (strides to the jury box)  
  
Rezo: Prosecution, you can make your opening statement.  
  
Phibby: (skips to the front of the courtroom) Ladies and men, take one, Xelloss Metallium, tragic injury, and Nova-chan. These three simple beings had no idea that they were about to be hurled into..the Twilight Zone.  
  
Minna: (groan)  
  
Phibby: Just kidding! Just wanted everyone to know that I'm gonna win!! ^.^ (skips back to his chair and makes faces at Nova-chan)  
  
Rezo: Defendant, you can make your opening statement now.  
  
Bishounen: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...  
  
NoV: (elbows him) Wake up!!  
  
Bishounen: Huh?? What?? Oh, forgive my poor grammar. (looks around) Oh, right. Opening statements. Gomen. (drowsily walks to the front of the court) Good evening, afternoon, or whatnot. I represent NoV, and I think she's gonna win, so there! :P  
  
NoV: (slams head on desk) I'm going to get sued for tickling. Join us next time. 


	3. Gourry's a star!

I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter! Part 3  
  
**  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
Rezo: Prosecution attorney, you may call your first witness.  
  
Phibby: Yippee!! (runs to the front of the room) For my first witness, I call Xelloss, my..um, first witness.  
  
Xelloss: (fakely limps over to Gaav, the security officer) Hi Gaav-y!  
  
Gaav: (holds up the holy manga) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you L-sama?  
  
Xelloss: Do I? Do I really want to? (cute smile)  
  
Gaav: (whacks Xelloss with the holy manga) Just say 'I do'!!!  
  
Xelloss: Oh, joy! We're getting married! I've been waiting for this day for all of my life!!  
  
Gaav: -.- Just say it.  
  
Xelloss: I do! When's the honeymoon, honey?  
  
Gaav: SIT DOWN.  
  
NoV: Bishounen, do you think you can win this case?  
  
Bishounen: Can I have some chocolate pie?  
  
NoV: (hands him pie) All right! So, using that, you can-win?  
  
Bishounen: (mouth full) Wmmf whaf?  
  
NoV: (Repeatedly slams head on desk) My life is garbage.  
  
Xelloss: (finally sits down, after pestering Gaav) Hiya Rezo!  
  
Rezo: Hi Xelloss!  
  
Phibby: (clears throat) Xelloss, on the night of the twelfth, you were doing what?  
  
Xelloss: Eating bananas with chocolate ice cream.  
  
Rezo: Phibby, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?  
  
Phibby: Absolutely nothing!  
  
Rezo: -.-0 Please make your questions relevant.  
  
Phibby: Kay. What happened to bruise your ribs, Xelloss?  
  
Xelloss: (sniffle) She-she TICKLED me!! Incessantly. (begins to spew tears in every direction)  
  
Phibby: (holds up an umbrella) Oh-kay, what did you do to -  
  
Bishounen: Objection!!  
  
Rezo: WHAADYAWANT??  
  
Bishounen: A date with Vanessa Williams.  
  
Minna: ...  
  
Rezo: What do you want RIGHT NOW?  
  
Bishounen: Oh! I wanted to know if anyone has a toothbrush. My teeth feel pie-y.  
  
Rezo: Anyone have a toothbrush?  
  
Amelia: As the champion of Justice, and the bringer of righteousness, I Amelia Wil Tesla de Seillune, have the desired item!  
  
Bishounen: What?  
  
Amelia: I've got a toothbrush, Mr. Bishounen.  
  
Bishounen: Oh!  
  
Amelia: (tosses the toothbrush to Bishounen)  
  
Bishounen: (Catches it) Thanks!  
  
Amelia: De nada!  
  
Bishounen: ?  
  
Amelia: It's Spanish for you're welcome, Mr. Bishounen!  
  
Bishounen: Oh, oh-kay. (begins to brush his teeth)  
  
NoV: (groans) See you in the intermission.  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"We'll begin shooting the commercial first thing tomorrow morning," Milgasia announced.  
  
"No!!!" Gourry cried. "I like Commercial! He's my friend! Don't shoot him!!"  
  
Lina whacked Gourry on the head and scowled. "You know very well what he meant, you dummy."  
  
Xelloss slinked behind Milgasia, unnoticeably. "Oh, Mil-Mil?"  
  
"AAH!!!" Milgasia screamed, jumping out of his skin. "Don't do that!!!"  
  
Xelloss began to sway back and forth, as the dragon before him started to sweat, as a look of pure terror crossed his face.  
  
"Dragonfly, dragonfly, oh, dragonfly, dragonfly, fly, fly away!!" Xelloss sang.  
  
Milgasia began to revisit those horrible memories of the last time Xelloss had sung that song.  
  
"LINA!!!!" he wailed, crouching behind her, covering his head with her cape, frightened.  
  
"Milgasia!!" Lina cried, nearly tripping over him. "What is it??"  
  
"You promised!!" he shrieked, grasping her leg.  
  
"Oh, right. No more dragonfly, no more jokes." Lina nodded, reminiscently. "Hey, guys, it's been a long night. Why don't we all hit the hay?"  
  
Just for the sake of humor, Gourry picked up a bale of hay and punched it. "Oh-kay, Lina, I hit the hay. Now what?"  
  
"GO TO BED!!!!!" she yelled.  
  
Everyone began to slither their way up the stairs, as Lina shook a fist at them.  
  
"Xelloss," she said, icily. He froze in mid-step.  
  
"Yes, Lina-chan?" the mazoku replied.  
  
"Stay. I'd like to have a word with you."  
  
"All righty!" Xelloss exclaimed, eagerly. "What can I do you for?"  
  
"Step into my office and I'll let you know," she said, opening a darkened door.  
  
"Why, thank-you, Lina-chan!" the priest cried, clapping his hands together. "I do enjoy the dark!" He walked into the room, and found that it was a closet. "Oi, Lina-Lina???"  
  
"Good night, Xelloss!"  
  
SLAM!!!  
  
The door was shut and locked.  
  
"Very funny!!" Xelloss exclaimed, nervously. "You can let me out now! Lina??"  
  
He heard her footsteps going up the stairs.  
  
"Oh, foo."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
Rezo: (slams gavel on the desk) Court is back in session! Quiet, people, quiet!! Phibby, you may continue.  
  
Phibby: As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, Xelloss, what did you do to deserve being tickled until black and blue marks appeared on your ribs?  
  
Xelloss: I didn't do anything! (spews tears again) She said we were gonna have a milkshake!!  
  
NoV: That's not true!  
  
Rezo: Do you wish to be held in contempt?  
  
Xelloss: Hold me!! Hold me in contempt! Gaav-chan, won't you?  
  
Gaav: Ewww..  
  
Phibby: (clears his throat) Now, Xelloss, how long were you tickled, against your will?  
  
Xelloss: Oh, (sniffle) three or four weeks.  
  
NoV: That's ridiculous and untrue!  
  
Rezo: Do you want to be sent to jail early??  
  
NoV: (Grumbles)  
  
Phibby: And did you receive an apology?  
  
Xelloss: No. I didn't.  
  
Phibby: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I'm done with this witness.  
  
Rezo: Does the defense which to cross-examine?  
  
Bishounen: Yeah, do they?  
  
NoV: (jabs him with her elbow) That's you, bozo!!  
  
Bishounen: Oh, yeah! Heh..  
  
NoV: See you at the end..  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
The next day, everyone was geared up to start filming the commercial. Even those who were originally against Gourry's ambitions were helping out.  
  
Lina ran the camera, Amelia was put in charge of wardrobe, Zelgadis handled the paper work, and..Xelloss sat brooding in the closet.  
  
Everyone sat around, waiting for the star of the butter commercial, Gourry. Hours rolled by, and finally Zelgadis had had enough.  
  
"Did you wake him up or not, Amelia??" the chimera demanded.  
  
"I did, Mr. Zelgadis!" she affirmed. "He was acting kinda strange, though.."  
  
"Here I am, people, fear no more!" a voice cried from the hallway.  
  
All heads turned to look. Gourry was standing there, leaning against the wall, wearing sunglasses, and a bathrobe.  
  
"Gourry?" Lina gaped, turning up her nose at the sight. "What in the HECK are you doing??"  
  
"Hey, babe," he said, coolly. "What's kickin?"  
  
"Babe?" Lina repeated, her face glowing red, and steam pouring out of her ears. "I'll show you 'babe'-"  
  
"Ah, ah, ah!" Milgasia exclaimed, wagging a finger at her. "He signed a contract with me. If you harm my star, you'll be looking at ten years tops."  
  
"Ooooooh!!" the dragon slayer seethed. "I'm outta here. If anybody wants to come with me, then let's go."  
  
She stormed out of the building.  
  
"Take me with you!!" Xelloss wailed from the closet.  
  
"Shall we begin?" Milgasia wondered, quaintly.  
  
"Let's do it," Zelgadis agreed, manning the camera.  
  
"Now, Gourry, in this scene, I want you to look at the butter," Milgasia instructed. "Look at it, and FEEL it. BE it. THINK it. WANT it. LOVE it. You ARE butter. You LOVE butter. Then, you say your line, kiss Suzie the dummy, and we shoot the opening scene."  
  
"Got it, love it," Gourry said, snidely, giving a peace sign.  
  
He trodded over to the stage and posed, dramatically.  
  
Zelgadis and Amelia sweatdropped.  
  
"This should be very amusing," Amelia pointed out.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
Bishounen: (walks over to the witness stand) Where were you on the thirtieth of February, 3079???  
  
Xelloss: Um..February only has twenty-eight days, twenty-nine in January, and we haven't reached the year 3079 yet.."  
  
Bishounen: (looks stunned) You're right. But, besides that, I bet you know something. Something like..the truth.  
  
Xelloss: Rezo!! I'm being badgered!  
  
Rezo: Defendant, you are not to badger the witness!!  
  
Xelloss: :p ^.^  
  
Bishounen: Oh-kay, now where was I..oh, yes. What is the formula for scientific notation?? Tell me, now!!  
  
Xelloss: I don't know!!  
  
NoV: Join us next time, to see my fate. My poor, sad fate. 


	4. Gourry Apologizes

I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter! Part 4  
  
**  
  
Phibby's Prosecution:  
  
NoV: Welcome back.  
  
Bishounen: What's the square root of 3120009009??  
  
Xelloss: I do not know.  
  
Bishounen: A-HA! Of course, you don't.  
  
Xelloss: -.-0  
  
Bishounen: Your honorary, I rest my case. (sits down)  
  
Rezo: Oh-kay, Xelloss, sit back down.  
  
Xelloss: Kay! (sits)  
  
Rezo: Prosecutor, you may call your next witness.  
  
Phibby: I'd be glad to! Nova-chan! Come on down!  
  
NoV: (grumbles)  
  
Gaav: (holds up holy manga) Do you?  
  
NoV: Yes.  
  
Gaav: Sit.  
  
NoV: Kay. (sits at the witness chair)  
  
Phibby: So, NoV, if that's your REAL name, what do you have to say for yourself?  
  
NoV: I bruised him!!! OH-KAY?? HE CAN GO TO THE ASTRAL PLANE AND HEAL HIMSELF IN THREE SECONDS!!!!  
  
Phibby: A confession of guilt! We have our tickler.  
  
Rezo: Hmm..good point.  
  
NoV: Grrrr...YOU ALREADY KNEW I WAS GUILTY!!! The thing is it's not a crime!  
  
Xelloss: Objection! Child abuse is a major offense!  
  
Rezo: Another great point.  
  
NoV: But, I-  
  
Amelia: Your Honor, we, the Justice jury find the defendant guilty as charge!  
  
Rezo: As the judge of this court, I sentence you to the same crime you committed.  
  
NoV: (raises an eyebrow) You're going to tickle me.  
  
Rezo: Oh, of course I'm not.  
  
Xelloss: I am! (tackles NoV)  
  
NoV: (laughs insanely) Stop, stop!!!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Lights, camera, action," Milgasia said, flatly.  
  
"I just can't believe this stuff that looks like butter isn't," Gourry said, holding it up. He then smooched the mannequin and bowed. "You people are beautiful, thank-you."  
  
"That was great, Mr. Gourry!" Amelia cried.  
  
"Of course it was, you simpleton," Gourry replied, flipping his hair and walking away.  
  
"WELL!" the oujo exclaimed, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
Back in the closet..  
  
Xelloss sighed. "I wonder if they'll ever find me.." he wondered. He leaned back and bumped his head, making a clanging sound. "Ouch! What is that?" He felt the object he had hit. It was a long-necked cylindrical bottle with liquid inside. The mazoku gasped. "I'm in a wine cellar!!!"  
  
Outside the closet..  
  
"Mr. Gourry is a rude ego-maniac, and I don't know what to do!" Amelia wailed. "Mr. Zelgadis, I can't take it anymore. I'm going to find Miss Lina." She hugged the chimeric swordsman and ran out the door.  
  
Zelgadis sighed. "Maybe after this stupid commercial is over Gourry will be back to normal," he reasoned.  
  
"Gourry, time to film the opening scene," Milgasia beckoned, emotionless.  
  
Gourry reentered the room. "Hello, mortals. Good to see you."  
  
"Mortals?" Zelgadis echoed.  
  
"Now, this time," Milgasia began, "I want you to run up the 'beach' scene, rescue the drowning ferret, save the beach-goers from nuclear destruction, and then run up to the butter. Got it?"  
  
"You know it," the blond responded, pointing a finger casually at the dragon director.  
  
He hopped up on stage that was decorated as a beach.  
  
"Oh, coffee-guy," Gourry said, incidentally, "I'd like some iced tea."  
  
"Coffee guy??" Zelgadis sputtered. "Forget it!" He threw his camera-guy's hat on the floor. "Either give up your commercial or your friends." The chimera walked out the door, and slammed it behind him.  
  
Milgasia began to leave, as well. "I need a break," he said, passively.  
  
Gourry looked up at the spotlights. "I..I think I feel a song coming on.." He took a deep breath, about to sing, when he suddenly heard another song from the closet.  
  
"One hundred-ninety-nine thousand-five-hundred-sixty-bazillion bottles of sake on the wall," a voice sang, out of tune.  
  
Gourry walked over to the wine closet. "Xelloss?" he asked, upon opening it.  
  
"Hiya butter-man."  
  
"You're absolutely right!!" the blond cried. "I have to go apologize to my friends right away!"  
  
"Expracticlee," the priest slurred.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Amelia, Zelgadis, and Lina sat in a tavern across the street from the inn and Butter Studios, either eating or drinking coffee.  
  
"I'm gonna eat until I feel better!" Lina yelled. "So, you'd better have tons of food in that kitchen!!"  
  
The waitress looked nervously at the pile of food disappearing in front of Lina.  
  
"Um...yes, ma'am."  
  
"Do you think Mr. Gourry is gone forever?" Amelia asked, with a sniffle.  
  
"Of course not!!" a happy clamor shrieked from the doorway.  
  
Three heads snapped around to see what it was.  
  
"Gourry!" Lina shouted, jumping up and huggling him. Suddenly, she was brought back to her senses and whapped him into the floor. "What do you think you're doing?? Who said you could touch me??" she demanded.  
  
"I wanted to say I'm sorry," he said, shyly. "I brought you all a present." From behind his back, Gourry handed them all a tub of butter. "To no more commercials! A toast!"  
  
"A toast!" Amelia agreed.  
  
"A toast!" Lina cried, holding up her butter.  
  
"Oh-kay, a toast," Zelgadis grumbled.  
  
  
  
Back in Butter Studios...  
  
"I love sake.."  
  
  
  
**  
  
Cutie Corner:  
  
NoV: I'm glad that stupid trial is finally over.  
  
Phibby: It was kinda fun.  
  
Xelloss: Yeah. I won! Where's Bishounen?  
  
NoV: He's in the closet.  
  
Xelloss: There's no sake in there, right?  
  
NoV: Do you think I'm THAT much of an idiot?  
  
Xelloss: Just making sure.  
  
NoV: Well, this is the last story I'll be doing for a while, since I'm gonna be working on "Romeo and Juliet" for a long time.  
  
Xelloss: That should be veeeeery interesting.  
  
NoV: Til next time! 


End file.
